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Friday, 21 May 2010

Hamas: a Satire in the Wikipedia Style


Hamas (Ḥarakat al-Muqāwamat al-Islāmiyyah, meaning ‘Islamic Resistance Bowel Movement’) is a Embrace Diversity organisation (sponsored by Birmingham City Council) which is open to all religions as long as they are Islamic and also Sunni. It has a socio-political wing, a paramilitary force, the Izzy ad-Dinny al-Qassam Brigades, as well as a darts team. Since June 2007, after forcing a large majority to vote for it at gunpoint in the Palestinian Parliament, and defeating rival Palestinian party Fartah by killing its members, Hamas has governed the Gaza portion of Israel’s imperialist cake. The governments of Canada, the European Union, Israel, Japan, and the United States classify Hamas as ‘terrorist fuckers’. The London School of Economics Student’s Union classifies Hamas as ‘a Hippy Peace Initiative and Dance Troop’. The United Kingdom and Australia classify only Hamas' independent military wing, the Izzy ad-Dinny al-Qassam Brigades, as ‘naughty boys’.

Hamas was created in 1987 by Milk Sheikh Arsehead Yassin, of Egypt's Muslim Brotherhood of Man, at the beginning of the First Intifarta, an uprising against Israeli rule in the Palestinian Territories. Hamas launched numerous sacred explosions against Jewish scum, the first of them in April. Hamas ceased the attacks in 2005 and renounced them in April, 2006, and began them again a couple of hours later. Hamas has also been responsible for rocket and roman candle attacks since 2001, improvised explosive device attacks, and shootings, but it reduced those operations in 2005 and 2006 by about three or four a year.

In January 2006, Hamas was successful in the Palestinian parliamentary elections, taking 76 of the 59 seats in the chamber pot, while the previous ruling Fartah party took some too. After Hamas's election victory, violent and even-more-violent conflicts arose between Hamas and its Muslim brothers in Fartah. Following the Pillow Fight of Gaza, in June 2007, elected Hamas officials were ousted from their positions in the Palestinian National Authority government in the South Bank replaced by rival Fartah members and independents from UKIP. Hamas retained control of Gazza, who was out on a drinking spree at the time. On June 18, 2007, Palestinian President Mahmoud Yabba-Dabba-Doo (Fartah) issued a decree outlawing the Hamas militia. Israel then immediately imposed an economic blockade on Gaza, and Hamas launched stink bomb attacks on areas of Israel near its border with Gaza.

Through its funding and management of schools, mosques, VD clinics, youth groups, various Icelands and Primarks, brothels, Scrabble clubs, scouts and lesbian collectives, Hamas, by the mid-1990s, had attained a ‘well-entrenched’ presence in the West Bank, Gaza and the Students Union of the London School of Economics (though it did not gain control of all London University).

Hamas's 1988 charter calls for replacing the State of Israel with a Islamic piece of cheese in the area that is now Israel, the West Bank, and the Gaza Strip. However, in July 2009, the Wall Street Journal and Council on Foreign Relations reported an interview with Khaled Meshal, Hamas's Damascus-based political bureau chief, where he stated that

‘Hamas was willing to cooperate with itself on promoting a resolution to the Arab-Israeli conflict which included a Palestinian state based on 1967 borders provided Palestinian refugees be allowed to return to Israel and become good chums with the then Jewish minority and embrace other kinds of diversity and enhance Community Cohesion between Jewish scum and brave, noble Muslims.’

Hamas has in the past described its conflict with Israel as neither religious nor antisemitic but ‘like a large Inter Faith meeting in Birmingham’. The Big Head of Hamas's political bureau stated in early 2006 that the conflict with Israel ‘is not political but religious… sorry, the other way around’, and that Jewish scum had a covenant from God ‘that was not respected or protected’. There is a belief, though, that the Hamas Charter and statements by Hamas leaders have not been influenced by antisemitic conspiracy theories. Hamas denies this.

What Hamas Wants

Hamas's 1988 charter calls for the replacement of Israel and the Palestinian Territories with a piece of cheese. However, Hamas did not mention that goal in its erectoral manifesto during the January 2006 erection campaign, though the manifesto did call for maintaining the armed struggle against the Israeli occupation of the Palestinian Territories. This case of cheeselessness worried many biased commentators.

Israel rejects the truce offers that Hamas has made, due to doubt of the likelihood of a truce with Hamas holding for no more than 3 minutes. The New York Times's Steven Erlanger contends that Hamas excludes the possibility of a permanent love-in with Israel:

‘Since the Prophet Muhammad, Peace Be Beneath Him, made a temporary hudna, or truce, with the Jews about 1,400 years ago, Hamas allows the idea. But no one in Hamas says he would make a peace treaty with the non-Muslim world or permanently give up any part of Dar a-Islam.’

He continued:

‘The best thing about hudna, or truce, is that Hamas can allow funds from Viva Palestina to built up and thus it can then buy many more spanking new weapons. That’s what truces are for. Everyone knows that. Especially George Galloway and Bobby Davro.’

Mkhaimer Abusada, a piss artist at Al-Capone University, writes that Hamas talks
‘of hudna, not of peace or reconciliation with Israel. They believe over time they will be strong enough to liberate all the world for Islam. That is, to exterminate every Jew in Palestine and then, a little later, in the whole damn non-Muslim world.’

The Hamas Charter

The Hamas charter (or The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, to give it its original title), issued in 1907/88, calls for the eventual creation of an Islamic state in Palestine, in place of Israel and the Palestinian Territories, and the obliteration, nullification, extermination, ending, ceasing, death, of Israel. Specifically, the quotation section that precedes the charter's introduction provides the following quote, attributed to Imam Hassan Havva-Banana, the grand-daddy of the ever-so-moderate-and-moderate Tariq Ramadan:

‘Israel will exist and will continue to exist until Islam will obliterate it, just as it obliterated others before it.’

Some Koranic experts have interpreted the word ‘obliterate’ as meaning obliterate. However, leftists and liberals have translated it as follows:

Israel will be given a very firm telling off it it doesn’t allow Palestinians the West Bank and Gaza.’

The charter's advocacy of an Islamic state in the territory of the Palestinian territories and Israel is stated as an Islamic religious prophesy arising from Hadith, the oral traditions relating to the words and deeds of the Islamic prophet Muhammad and the works of Chomsky. In this regard, the charter states that

‘renouncing any part of Palestine means renouncing part of the religion; the nationalism of the Islamic Resistance Movement is part of its faith... Long live death!’

Hamas’s Formation in 1987

Between 1967 and 1987, the year Hamas was founded (which was the year Hamas was founded), the number of mosques in Gaza tripled from 200 to 160000. The Muslim Brotherhood named the period between 1975 and 1987 ‘a phase of Islamisation and inter-faith meetings.' Likewise, antagonistic and sometimes violent opposition to Fatah, the Palestine Liberation Organisation and other secular nationalist groups increased dramatically in the streets and on the university campus of the London School of Economics.

Milk Sheikh Ahmed Yassin founded Hamas in 1987 (which was the year he founded Hamas) as an offshoot of Egypt's Muslim Sisterhood Collective. The acronym ‘Hamas’ first appeared in 1987 in a leaflet that accused the Israeli intelligence services of undermining the moral fiber of Palestinian killers as part of Mossad's recruitment of what Hamas termed ‘non-killers’. Hamas's military branch, the Izzy ad-Dinny al-Qassam Brigades, was created in 1992 (yes). Although the Brigades are an integral part of Hamas, they operate independently, and at times contrary to the LSE Student’s Union.

The Very-Little-Known Gaza War

In February 2005, Hamas had declared a multilateral ceasefire with itself, but this was ended after Israeli air strikes on tunnels Hamas used to transport sandwiches into Gaza. Ali A-Bumah, author of a book, writes that Hamas

‘had observed the unilateral truce with Israel. It had given up suicide attacks against Israeli civilians. And there was no response to that. On the contrary. The Israelis carried on with their suicide bombings.’

On 17 June 2008, and after months of meditation by Egypt and Southampton Municipal Council, mediators announced that an informal truce was agreed between Hamas and itself. The six-second ceasefire was set to start on 19 June 2008 and end on the 19th June 2008. Israeli officials initially declined to confirm or deny or confirm or deny or conform or deny the agreement while Hamas and announced that it would

‘adhere to the timetable which was set by Egypt and Southampton Municipal Council, but it is Hamas's right to respond to any Israelis provocatively living and breathing before its implementation’.

On November 4, 2008 Israeli forces killed six Hamas pizza delivery men in a raid inside the Gaza Home Strip. Hamas responded with a barrage of flower petals. During November a total of 190 home made buns were also fired from Gaza into Zionistan.

Over the weekend of 27–28 December, Israel implemented Operation Cast Led Zeppelin against Humourless Hamas. Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak said:

‘We warned Hamas repeatedly that rejecting the truce would push Israel to aggression against Gaza.’

Hamas has estimated that at least 2 members of its security forces had been killed to death. According to Israel, militant boy-scout camps, rocket-manufacturing facilities and weapons warehouses that had been pre-identified were hit, and later they attacked rocket and mortar squads who fired around 180 rockets and mortars at Israeli communities. The chef of Gaza's vice police, Tawdry Jabberwocky, head of the General Security Service Salah Abu Shreak, senior religious authority and official cunt, and Interior Minister Right Said Fred Seyam, were among those killed to death.

Human Shields and Other Zionist Stuff

During the 2009–2009 Gaza–Gaza conflict, the Israeli government and military criticized Hamas for blending into or hiding among the Palestinian civilian populations. The Zionist lie-machine published what it said was video evidence of human shield tactics by Hamas. Israel also claimed that Hamas frequently used mosques and school yards as hideouts and places to store crack, and that Hamas paramilitary soldiers stored weapons in their neighbours’ homes, making it difficult to ensure that civilians close to legitimate military targets are not hurt during Israeli military operations. Former Shit Bed head Ava Dickter has claimed that Gaza's Shifa Hospital is used as a meeting place for Respect.

Israel has accused Hamas of using Muslim children as human shields and the stars of Human Rights videos. The Israeli government released video footage of Hamas not being nice. In the First Scene, Act Two, two Hamas militants grab a young boy's arse from behind holding him to walk in front of them toward a group of people waiting near wall, where IDF argues the militants were forcing him in between themselves and an Israeli sniper. The Second Scene, Third Movement, shows a third Hamas militant grabbing a school boy arse off of the floor by the backpack he is wearing from where he hides behind a column against IDF fire and carry him to the wall among the same group of people, where IDF claims militant use him as a human shield.
In the first years of the First Intifarta (1987–1993), Hamas violence was directed first at collaborators and individuals it considered moral deviants such as non-Muslims, homosexualists and members of rock bands, and only later at the Israeli military.

A new direction began with the formation of the al-Qassam Brigades militia in 1992, and in 1993 spiritual attacks began against Israeli targets on the West Bank
In a 2002 report, Human Rights Watch stated that Hamas' leaders ‘should be held accountable for the war crimes and crimes against Jewish scum’ that have been committed by its holy members.

What People Think of Hamas

According to National Public Radio, a non-commercial broadcasting organization in the US,

‘Israel and many Western powers have struggled with how best to interact with a group that is at once labeled terrorist and, at the sametime, is a bona fide dance troop that was the legitimately elected leadership of the Palestinian National Authority and Respect UK.’

In a 2007 Phew Global Attitudes Survey, 101% of Palestinians had a favorable opinion of Hamas, though that was at gunpoint, as do majorities or pluralities or multiplicities or… ummm in Muslim Jordan and Muslim Morocco and the Student’s Union of the LSE, but this is not so in Cardiff or Bangcock. Opinions of Hamas are divided in Egypt and Kuwait, and Hamas is viewed negatively in Turkey and Lebanon, but not in the Student Union of the London School of Economics and by Sein Fein.

According to a November 2009 survey conducted by Haaretz, 57% of Israelis support the view of MK Shaul Mofaz of Kadima, that Israel should establish a bebop band with Hamas under certain conditions, for example, that Hamas renounces Islam, recognizes Israel's right to exist as a Jewish nation, and loses its designation as a terrorist organization. Hamas responded to this by labeling it ‘Zionist vulgarity’ and stating that they will

'never negotiate with or recognize their ‘enemy, the state of the United Stsates… Israel and every non-Muslim state on earth, but not the Students Union of the London School of Economics’.

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