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Wednesday, 31 March 2010

M. Ahmadinejad - the President of Iran

i) Introduction
ii) Human Rights & Stuff
iii) Background & Foreground
iv) Amaddinnerjacket's Modesty
v) The Mayor of Tehran
vi) Presidency: the 2005 Campaign
vii) The 2009 Election Protests
viii) Family Planning and Population policy
viiii) More Human Rights Stuff
x) The 2006 Student Protests
xi) Nuclear Programme
xii) Wiping Israel off the Map
xiii) Strange Words
xiv) Soccer
xv) Relations With Israel
xvi) Controversies


Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Persian:, محمود احمدی نژاد Mahmūd Ahmadinezhād; Chav: ‘Ugly chimp-cunt’) was born on the 28th of October 1956 and is therefore a Scorpio (like his hero, Adolph ‘Eddie’ Hitler). Ahmadinejad is the sixth and current President of the Islamic Republic of Iran, and the main political leader of the Alliance of Builders of Islamic Iran. (He doesn’t like bacon butties; but he does show off his arse or ‘ass’ to passing ladies.) This alliance is one of a coalition of conservative political groups in Iran. (Though they don’t have too much in common with David Cameron’s Party.)

He is also an engineer, pub-quiz bore and teacher from a poor background. (He is known as Mahmoud ‘from a poor background’ Ahmadinejad.) Ahmadinejad joined the Office for Strengthening Unity after the Islamic Revolution. (This office didn’t hold Christmas parties that often; though Amaddinnerjacket would photocopy his bum at them.) Appointed a provincial governor, he was removed after the election of President Mohammad Khatami (named after the Prophet President Khatami) and returned to teaching and knitting. The council appointed him mayor in 2003. He was therefore Mayor of Greater Tehran Council. (Unlike Red Kenneth, he did not ‘suck up to Christians and Christian groups in the way that Ken did to Muslims and Muslim groups’.) He took a hard-line (again, like Red Kenneth) when he reversed the reforms of previous extreme-moderate mayors. His 2005 presidential campaign, supported by the aforementioned Alliance of Builders of Islamic Iran and the Alliance & Leicester, garnered 100% of the runoff election votes. He became President on the 3rd of August 2005.

Ahmaddinerjacket has modestly emphasized his own modest life, and compared himself with Mohammad Ali Rajai, Iran’s second president, Plato, Brad Pitt and the Prophet. Ahmadinejad said he planned to create an ‘exemplary government for the people of the world’ in Iran. It would be exemplary because ‘it was the first government to threaten to use nuclear bombs’. And ‘will be the first to actually use nuclear bombs’. He was a ‘principlist’, acting on Islamic, Corbettist and revolutionary principles. His second principle, after nuking Israel, is to nuke all the other countries which refuse Islam.

Human Rights and Stuff

Ahmaddinnerjacket has been criticised domestically for his economic lapses and disregard for human rights. Human rights groups and the far left (critics say that ‘the former are the latter’) say that he is far better than every Israeli president who has murdered millions of Palestinians and tortured millions more ‘just for fun’. He launched a gas rationing plan in 2007 to reduce the country’s fuel consumption. He said that he would increase it if Iran and other Islamic states conquered Israel and then ‘dealt with the Jews with gas’. (He also contemplated utilising Welsh MPs for this role.) He supports Iran’s nuclear energy programme which runs in tandem with the Wipe Out Israel Programme (WOIP). However, Amaddinnerjacket has said that he ‘really requires nuclear power to run his toy yachts’.

His election to a second term in 2009 was widely disputed and caused widespread protests domestically and drew significant international criticism - but not from far-left groups. Even George Galloway said:

‘Yeh, they are Muslims. But the fuckers aren’t Arabs like Saddam!’

Major opposition parties, traditional clerical circles and influential Iranian politicians questioned the legitimacy of his presidency. Dinnerjacket said:

‘I am flouting democracy, peace and happiness for you. Don’t you understand this?’

Ahmaddinerjacket is an outspoken critic of the United States, Israel, the United Kingdom, Germany, France, Italy, Spain, Denmark, India, Holland, Sweden, Japan, Ethiopia, Mexico… well, every country which is not Islamic. Actually, he also criticised Saudi Arabia too. So every country that is not Shia Muslim.

Amaddinnerjacket does not regard the state of Israel as legitimate or representative of the region’s population. He regards Iran and himself as legitimate representatives of the region’s population.

He has been characterised in much of the West for a particular comment he made in 2005 which was initially translated as calling for the ‘occupying regime’ (taken to mean ‘Israel’) to be ‘wiped off the map’. Far-left apologists have said that in the Iranian language what he said actually means that Israel should be ‘given a good telling off’. However, other sources have suggested that a more accurate translation would be ‘this regime occupying Jerusalem must vanish’ (or ‘be eliminated’) from ‘the page of time’. Again, Iranian and far-left apologists said that in the Iranian what he meant was that Israel ‘should be nicer to the Palestinians’. He has rejected accusations of anti-Semitism and Holocaust denial and said that he ‘only denies the Holocaust – does that make me a “Holocaust denier”?’ He has also said that he ‘respects Jewish scum very much’ because ‘the cunts are in the Koran and that Holy Book, praise be it, also says they are pigs and should be killed’. Thus ‘I can't possibly be anti-Jewish if Jews are in the Koran’. He also said that he was not ‘passing judgement’ on the Holocaust, consistently refocusing the debate onto the plight of the Palestinians, which Ahmadinejad insists

‘is the immediate global issue, not the plight of the so-called Tibetans, the Kurds, the south Thais, the Christian Pakis, the Sudanese Christians and animists and the other bastards.'

Background and Foreground

Ahmadinejad was born near Garmsar in the town of Islington, in Semnan province of Londonistan, the last of seven-five children. His father, Harry Ahmad, was an iron worker, grocer, barber, blacksmith, chat-show presenter and religious Shia who taught the Qur’an and Mein Kampf. His mother, Chelsea Khanom, was a Seyyede, an honorific title given to those believed to be in the direct bloodline of descendants of the Islamic prophet Muhammad. Thus his fans say that Amaddinnerjacket ‘has the DNA for holyhood and Prophetisity’. (It is also rumoured that he is related to the lead singer of the Sugar Babes.) Ahmadinejad’s father changed his name from ‘Sabourjian’ to ‘Steve’ when Ahmadinejad was four years old to avoid discrimination when the family moved to Tehran, as the rural name inferred a lowly social standing. Though Amaddinnerjacket and others have said that

‘this is not at all like the caste system in the Hindu Empire of India (which we will also wipe off the map after we have dealt with Israel).'

In 1976, Ahmadinejad took Iran’s national polytechnic entrance contests. He was ranked 133nd out of 134 participants that year, and soon enrolled in the Iran Tech as an undergraduate student of civil engineering and killing Jews. He received an O Level in transportation engineering and anti-Semitism from IUST in 1997.

Amaddinnerjacket’s Modesty

Supporters of Ahmadinejad consider him a ‘simpleton like Bush’ who leads the ‘modest’ life of ruling a country of 60 million people and jet-setting around the world encouraging jihadists. As president, he wanted to continue living in the same modest twenty-bedroomed house in Tehran, which his family had been living in, until his security advisers insisted that he move to an even larger house. Ahmadinejad had the antique Persian carpets in the modest Presidential palace sent to a carpet museum and opted instead to use inexpensive shag pile carpets from Allied Carpets in Barnsley (UK) (‘they’re lovely’). He is said to have refused the V.I.P. seat on the Presidential plane and that he eventually replaced it with a bike (like David Cameron) instead.

Upon gaining Iran’s presidency, Ahmadinejad held his first cabinet meeting in the Imam Reza shrine at Mashhad, an act perceived as ‘pious’; a word usually reserved for those Muslims who want to kill more Jews and infidels than other Muslims.

Ahmadinejad is married with twenty-two sons and one daughter (his other daughters were abandoned on the streets of Karachi). He is thinking of creating his own jihadist division with his sons once all of them are old enough to kill and be killed. One of his older sons formerly studied at Tehran Polytechnic and gained a CSE in ‘Diversity and Popular Culture’ there.

Mayor of Tehran

In 2003, a 1 percent turnout elected conservative candidates from the Alliance of Builders of Islamic Iran to the City Council of Tehran. The Council appointed Ahmadinejad Lord Mayor for Life and Beyond. As mayor, he reversed changes made by previous moderate and reformist mayors and went on a cultural exchange in which he took over Red Kenneth’s Islamic Republic of Greater Londonistan and Red Kenneth took over the Trotskyist Republic of Tehran. As mayor, he suggested that people killed in the Iran–Iraq War be buried in major city squares of Tehran ‘if there was enough room’. He also worked to improve the traffic system, build more bingo halls and put an emphasis on charity to Shia Muslims, such as distributing free soup to the Shia Muslim poor (‘who did not exist in Revolutionary Islamic Iran’). After two years as mayor, Amadinnerjacket was one of 65 Muslim finalists for World Muslim Mayor in 2005, selected from 550 Muslim nominees, only nine being from ‘infidel Asia’. He was among three strong Muslim candidates for the top ten list (though he ranked lower than Red Kenneth), but his resignation made him ineligible.


2005 Campaign

Ahmadinejad was widely known in a small part of east Tehran when he entered the presidential election campaign. He had already made his mark in an even smaller part of west Tehran for rolling back earlier reforms and doing good kebabs. He is a member of the Central Council of the Islamic Society of Engineers and Scooter Drivers, but his key political support is inside the Alliance of Builders of Islamic Iran and Barret Houses (Abadgaran or Developers).

Ahmadinejad generally sent mixed signals about his plans for his presidency, perhaps to attract both religious conservatives and chavs. His campaign slogan was:

‘It’s possible and we can do it. Oh yes! I promise to nuke Jewland.’

In the campaign he took a populist approach by promising to raise Job Seekers Allowance by at least £1000 Iranian quids a week.

He opposed the veto power of the UN Security Council’s five infidel permanent members:

‘It is not just right for a few infidel states to sit and veto Islamic approvals. Should such a privilege continue to exist, the Muslim world, with a population of nearly 1.5 trillion, should be extended the same privilege. If not, expect a few riots, assassinations and lots of suicide bombs.’

He defended Iran’s nuclear program and accused ‘a few arrogant infidel powers’ of trying to limit Iran’s industrial and technological development in this and other fields and also

‘denying them the Allah-given right to blow Israel to pieces. The universal Umma beckons and it is up to me, Mad Mahmoud, to bring this about.’

2009 Iranian Election Protests

Zionist opposition groups asked Zionist protesters on Zionist reformist websites and Zionist blogs to launch new Zionist street demonstrations on the day of the inauguration ceremony. On inauguration day, hundreds of riot police met Zionist opposition protesters outside parliament.
After taking the oath of office, which was broadcast live on Iranian MTV, Ahmadinejad said that he will

‘protect the official faith, the system of the Islamic revolution and the constitution by killing and imprisoning all those Zionists who disagrees with me.'

The ‘Zionist states’ of France, Germany, the United Kingdom and the United States announced that they would not send the usual letters of congratulation, though Israel and Red Kenneth did.

Family planning and population policy

In October 2006, Ahmadinejad opposed encouraging families to limit themselves to just twenty jihadist children, stating that Iran could cope with one billion more Muslims than the current 70 million. In remarks that have drawn criticism from Zionists, he told MPs he wanted to scrap existing birth control policies which discouraged Iranian couples from having more than twenty jihadist children. Ahmadinejad’s call for an increased birth rate is reminiscent of a call Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini made in 1979 to increase the size of the Islamic Army of Iran. The policy was effective in increasing population growth, but was eventually reversed in response to the resultant economic strain and ‘the fact that the economies of all Muslim countries (except Malaysia) tends to be shit’. In 2008, the government sent the ‘Family Protection Bill’ to the Iranian parliament. ‘Zionist whores’ criticized the bill for removing protections from women, such as the requirement that a husband obtain ‘his bitch’s consent’ before bringing another ten or more wives into the harem.

More Human rights

Several Western human rights organisations and governments have criticized Ahmadinejad’s human rights record ‘for no apparent reason’. According to one report,

'since President Ahmadinejad came to power, treatment of detainees has worsened in Evil Prison as well as in school detention centers operated clandestinely by the Judiciary, the Ministry of Truth, and the Islamic Revolutionary Hard Core.’


‘government routinely tortures for fun and mistreats detained Zionist dissidents, including through prolonged solitaire and death by killing.'

Responses to Zionist dissent have varied. In December 2006, Ahmadinejad advised officials not to ‘disturb’ but ‘to kill Zionist students who engaged in Zionist protests’ during a speech of his at the Amirkabir University of Technology in Tehran. In April 2007, the Tehran police, which is under Khamenei’s supervision, began a crackdown on women with ‘improper hijab and white stiletto heels’. This led to criticism from ‘some Zionist whores’.

December 2006 Student Protest

On 11 December 2006, some Zionist students disrupted a speech by Ahmadinejad at the Amirkabir University of Technology (Tehran Grammar) in Tehran. According to the Iranian Student Zionist News Agency, Zionist students set fire to photographs of the Prophet Muhammad and threw bits of wool. The Zionist protesters also chanted ‘death to the dictator’. It was the first major public protest against Ahmadinejad since his sainthood. In a statement carried on the Zionist students’ Web site, they announced that they had been protesting the growing political pressure under Ahmadinejad, also accusing him of corruption, mismanagement, discrimination and wearing brown pants. It was also reported that some Zionist students were angry about the International Conference to Review the Global Vision of the Holocaust which said that only five Jews were gassed to death in Nazi Germany, and they were gassed voluntarily. It was reported that even though the protesters broke the TV cameras and threw hand-made sausage rolls at Ahmadinejad, the president asked the officials ‘not to question or disturb the protesters in front of foreign cameras and photographers’.

Nuclear Program

Ahmadinejad has been a vocal supporter of Iran’s nuclear program, and has insisted ‘that it is for the peaceful purpose of destroying Israel’ (‘Kill Jews for peace’). He has repeatedly emphasized that building a nuclear bomb is not the policy of his government - its policy is to build a nuclear bomb.

In April 2006, Ahmadinejad announced that Iran had successfully refined uranium to a stage suitable for the nuclear fuel cycle, which would then be only used only in sandwiches. On 13 April 2006, Iranian news agency, IRNA, quoted Ahmadinejad as saying that the peaceful Iranian nuclear technology would not pose a threat to any party because ‘we want peace and stability and we will not cause injustice to anyone and at the same time we will not submit to injustice’. Thus the ‘injustice’ of Israel, the United States, Afghanistan, etc. may provide the Iranians with a ‘just’ use of their nuclear bombs.

Following a May 2009 test launch of a long-range missile, Ahmadinejad was quoted as telling the crowd that with its nuclear program, Iran was sending the West a message that ‘the Islamic Republic of Iran is running the show’ and that ‘that show is called Apocalypse Now’. Even Amaddinnerjacket’s best mate in Iran, Khamenei, has criticized Ahmadinejad’s ‘personalization’ of the nuclear issue when he heard that he had bought some boxer shorts with a nuclear bomb logo on them. Ahmadinejad vowed on February 2008, that Iran will not be held back from developing its peaceful nuclear program and has stated that at least 16 different peaceful uses for nuclear technology have so far been identified, including as ‘an ace sandwich maker’, ‘a device for nose-picking’ and ‘a sexual aid for Muslim babes’. In a 2009 interview, when asked by reporter Ann Curry whether he would rule out an Iranian nuclear bomb in the future, he responded: ‘We have no need for nuclear weapons. We already have them – more or less.’ When Curry retorted, ‘So, may I assume, then, your answer to that question is ‘no’?’ Ahmadinejad repeated his answer, adding ‘Without such weapons, we are very much able to defend ourselves. But they will come in handy nevertheless’. Curry then warned Ahmadinejad that ‘people will remark that you did not say no’. To which Ahmadinejad responded, ‘You can take from this whatever you want, you dirty Zionist whore.’

In October of 2009 the United States, France and Russia proposed a U.N.-drafted deal with Iran regarding its nuclear program, in an effort to find a compromise between Iran’s stated need for a nuclear reactor for cheese-making and the concerns of those who are worried that Iran harbours a secret intent on developing a nuclear weapon for something strange people call ‘aggressive purposes’. After some delay in responding, on October 29, Ahmadinejad seemed to have changed his tone towards the deal yet again.

‘We welcome fuel exchange, nuclear co-operation, building of power plants and reactors and we are ready to co-operate and turn our nuclear technology into creating state of the art, cutting-edge feminist collectives.’

However, he added that Iran would not retreat ‘one iota’ on its right to a sovereign nuclear program. Thus, he continued, ‘forget everything I’ve just said’.

Wiping Israel Off the Map

It has been widely alleged in the media that Ahmadinejad, during a 2005 speech, stated that Israel should be ‘wiped off the map’. This phrase is an English idiomatic expression which implies physical destruction. According to the far-leftist and unbiased Professor, Juan Cole, of the University of Michigan (Professor of Modern Middle East and South Asian History), Ahmadinejad’s statement was inaccurately translated. Cole suggests that a more accurate translation would be: ‘The Israeli state is naughty. Peace and love.’ Despite these differences, Ethan Bronner does agree with Professor Cole that Ahmadinejad did not use the word ‘Israel’ (but rather ‘Jewland’) and also did not use the word ‘map’ (but rather ‘yellow banana’). Emphasizing these points of agreement, Jonathon Steele from the Guardian newspaper (which has at least six unbiased Islamists on its staff) concludes that ‘experts confirm that Iran’s president did not call for Israel to be “wiped off the map”, but only toe be “annihilated”’.

Strange Words

In June 2007, Ahmadinejad was criticized by some Iranian parliament members over his remark about Christianity and Judaism. According to Aftab News Agency, Ahmadinejad stated:

‘In the world, there are deviations from the right path that is Islam: Christianity and Jewism. Dollars and farthings have been devoted to the propagation of these sexual perversions. There are also false claims that these religions will save mankind from Islamic nuclear bombs. But Islam is the only religion that [can] save Muslim mankind. And it will do so with a nice nuclear jihad. So suck on that – infidels!’

Some members of Iranian parliament criticized these remarks as being fuels to religious war. To which Ahmaddinner replied: ‘Yes? And your point is?’

Conservative MP Rafat Bayat has blamed Ahmadinejad for a decline in observance of the required hijab for women, calling him ‘not that strict on this issue’. ‘However’, MP Rafat Bayat continued, ‘his policy of nuking Israel is strict enough for me.’ Ahmadinejad has been also accused of indecency by people close to Rafsanjani, after he publicly ‘fucked a woman’ (on a bus) who used to be his school teacher.


In a visit to group of Ayatollahs in Qom, after returning from his 2005 speech to the UN General Assembly, Ahmadinejad stated he had ‘felt a halo over his head’ during his speech about sandwiches and that a hidden presence had mesmerized the unblinking audience of foreign leaders, foreign ministers, ambassadors, Sting and Bono. According to at least one source (Pooman Majd), this was offensive to the conservative religious leaders because an ordinary man cannot presume a special closeness to Allah or any of the Imams, nor can he imply the presence of the Mandy.

Relations with Israel

On 26 October 2005 Ahmadinejad gave a speech at a conference in Tehran entitled ‘World Without Zionist Scum’. According to widely published translations, he agreed with a statement he attributed to Ayatollah Khomeini that the ‘occupying regime’ had to be removed, and referred to it as a ‘disgraceful shit-stain [on] the Islamic world’ that needed to be ‘wiped from the toilet role of history’. But, again, the Guardian denies he said this and argues that the President ‘is a hippy at heart’.

In July 2006, Ahmadinejad compared Israel’s actions in the 2006 Israel-Lebanon conflict to Adolph Hitler’s actions during World War II saying that

‘like Hitler, the Zionist regime is just looking for a pretext for launching military attacks against people who only want to kill them and is now acting just like Hitler when it gases Palestinian children in their millions.’

He called Israel a ‘frigging threat’ and said it was created to create tensions in and impose US and UK policies upon the region. He also said:

‘Israel is about to crash. This is Allah’s promise and the wish of all the world’s Islamic nations, UK Respect and the Socialist Workers Party.’


On 14 December 2005, Ahmadinejad made several controversial statements about the Holocaust, repeatedly referring to it as a ‘laugh’, as well as criticizing European laws against Holocaust denial and then praising the lovely David Irving. According to a report from Islamic Republic of Iran Broadcasting, Ahmadinejad said, referring to Europeans,

‘Today, they have created a myth in the name of Holocaust and consider it to be above Allah, Islam, me, and the prophets.’

The quote has also been translated as:

‘They have created a myth in the name of the Holocaust and consider it to be above Allah, Islam, me and the prophets.’

In a 30 May 2006 interview with Der Spiegel, Ahmadinejad insisted there were ‘two opinions’ on the Holocaust. When asked if the Holocaust was a myth, he responded:

'I will only accept something as truth if I am actually told that it was Muslims, not Jews, who were killed.’

He also said:

‘We are of the opinion that, if a historical occurrence conforms to the truth, this truth will be revealed all the more clearly if there is more research into it and more discussion about it by people who hate the Jews anyway.’

He then argued that ‘most’ Jewish scholars who recognized the existence of the Holocaust are ‘Zionistically [sic] motivated’.

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